Kathy sat alone on the couch with her son Billy, as she absently watched the news anchor on the TV. She heard something about a shooting, socialists, reformists, Muslims, and a break in, but nothing interesting.
“Can I watch now?” Asked Billy.
Kathy handed Billy the controller with a sigh, before curling up on the couch, and shutting her eyes. She thought she might sleep, but it was hard with the lights and sounds of the TV.
She heard Billy’s voice, but it was indistinct noise. She thought she should look up at Billy when he was talking but couldn’t bring herself to. Then, after an some time, she heard Avatar playing on the TV, and for the briefest of moments, felt something. She looked up and watched, as Katara was forced to blood bend, and in her mind was dazzling images of her and her Ian watching the episode late at night. She remembered holding on to him in fear as the sound of blood squishing around made her skin crawl. But there was Ian, wrapping his arm around her, making her feel safe and loved. Soon, the thoughts of Ian made her aroused, so, she got up and left Billy, making her way to the stairs.
“Mom?” Billy said, but Kathy didn’t give him any mind.
By the time she reached her bed, she broke down, collapsing onto the floor. She wept softly, trying not to alarm her neighbors. Half-naked, she pulled herself into bed, and felt a phantom pain in her back as the impressions of her Ian’s arms formed around her waist. She grabbed her pillow and held it, imagining it was her baby. She pretended that she held him close to her chest, Ian’s arms wrapped around her, so he could feel the baby’s belly. But when she couldn’t feel Ian anymore, she threw the pillow, and burst into a fit of screams. Only a moment later, she heard a knocking on her door.
“Mom, are you okay? Do I need to call Dr. Martin?” Said Billy’s voice.
“Mommy’s fine, sweetheart, now go back to bed.”
There was a short breath of silence, before Billy spoke again.
“Do you wanna watch the show with me?”
“Leave me the fuck alone, Billy!” Kathy shouted, before she grabbed another pillow, and wailed into it.
“I’m sorry.” Billy said, softly.
Kathy ignored him, as her and Ian’s song blared in her head. Finally, she had to hear it, so she reached for her phone, and played “Something” by the Beatles. The moment the song started, she broke down again, biting down on her pillow as hard as she could. She saw images of her and Ian walking in the rain, neither of them caring, as they let the water wash down their faces. She remembered what he looked like in the rain, and the image made her want to reach for her Lexapro and down the bottle. It would have been so easy, and then it would be over. She’d be gone, and she wouldn’t have to look at Ian’s face anymore. She could be free. Maybe there’d be something for her after; maybe Ian would be there; maybe her baby would be there. But she knew it wasn’t true. He was gone, and if she took the pills she’d be gone, but just as alone as ever. Maybe that would be better. She then mimed reaching for the bottle in her head and could feel her hand twitch with anticipation. It was her time, right then and there, she just had to reach for the bottle. Then, as she got out of bed, she heard another knock on her door.
“Mom? I called Dr. Martin, he’s on the phone.”
“God damn it—alright, I’m coming.” Kathy said, afraid of looking bad to her psychiatrist.
She opened the door, and in the frame was Billy with the phone, a shameful expression painted across his face.
“Thanks!” Kathy whispered sarcastically, “How are you, Dr. Martin?”
Billy looked down in shame and walked off.
“I’m not sure yet, Kathy, how are you?” Dr. Martin said.
“Just fine, Doctor, I’m sorry my son bothered you.”
“No, he was right to call me. He told me you yelled at him and stormed off while you two were watching TV together. Is this true?”
Kathy stood in silence, chewing on her fingers, before she finally admitted to it.
“Why do you think you did that?”
“I can’t say I know; maybe we should talk about this on Friday?” Kathy asked, wishing she could just get back to bed and sleep.
“No, Kathy, I think we should talk about it now.” Replied Dr. Martin.
“Look, I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me, but really, I’m fine!”
There was a brief pause, before Dr. Martin said, “you were fantasizing about Ian again?”
“Nope.”
“It’s okay to tell me, I’m here to help.”
Kathy felt herself cry again, and realizing she couldn’t hide it, told Dr. Martin the truth.
“You’re very brave for admitting that, I’m proud of you.” Dr. Martin began, “I know his absence is tangible, but you need to realize that he isn’t coming back, and it’s not your fault that he’s gone.”
“I know, Doctor.”
“It’s okay to be sad.”
“I know.”
“Now, I want you to do something for me, okay?”
“Okay, Doctor.”
“Good, very good; Kathy, I want you to grab your pills and give them to your son and tell him to hide them someplace you can’t reach.”
“Excuse me?” She said.
“I understand your apprehension with letting your son handle medication, but he’s a very smart boy, and I believe you can trust him. He did know to call me tonight.” Dr. Martin replied.
“I’m not feeling suicidal.”
“And you’re not thinking about Ian? Look, you’ve gotta do this; it’s for your own safety.”
“yeah, and what about my son’s safety? What if he takes them?”
“Kathy, you know very well that he won’t take the pills. He’s smart, like I said.”
“You know what? Fine, fuck it!” Kathy said, “Billy, come here!”
Billy came up the stairs and stood at the precipice of Kathy’s room.
“Take my pills and hide them somewhere.”
Billy looked confused and stood silently.
“Get the damn pills!”
Billy flinched, then stepped into Kathy’s room and grabbed the bottle.
“Better hide them good, or I’m gonna be dead in the morning!” Kathy said, waving her hand, as her son ran off, crying.
“Kathy, you can’t say those things to your son!” Said Dr. Martin on the phone.
"Don’t fucking tell me how to talk to my own God damn kid!”
“I didn’t mean to offen—”
Kathy hung up the phone, and flung it at the wall, before she slammed her door, and stormed off to bed, throwing the covers over herself. “Something” was playing on loop, keeping Ian in her thoughts. Kathy wanted to turn it off but couldn’t get herself to. After hours of Ian, she eventually shut her eyes. When she opened them, light was shining through her room from the window. “Something” was still playing.