CONSEQUENCE
The colors of the world fused like a chimera that roared to the stars; all of time and space merging to a singular point. Nothing mattered anymore, no mistakes made could be brought to her mind, arms stretched from end-to-end, she prostrated herself upon the infinite. The eternal darkness of existence bled away to the chimera, and for a moment, she felt hope--hope that the mistake could be undone. She was tired of life, yet now in staring at the interconnection of the universe, she wanted nothing more than to stay in this life for a while longer. Yet, as her body dissolved, so too did she feel her mind fade. The chimera became distant, and as she attempted to reach out to it, she found that her arms were gone. The mistake was back, and its consequences kept her from salvation, her essence tied inextricably to the body she left to rot. She raced to latch herself onto anything, and in this attempt, the mistake was all that remained. The chimera was gone, and so was she.
ACTION
Siting alone in her apartment, Paula scrolled on her phone, existing in simultaneous stasis and anti-stasis. She had been alone for so long, her only companion was her parasocial attachment to the lives of the wealthy. She listlessly stared in voyeuristic delight as her favorite TikTokers bought a home together. She thought how a home might make her feel safe, how it might let her escape. Shit, she thought, rent comes out today. Opening the tenant portal on her phone, she was reminded that her last bastion of safety was held together by a 4 digit number that she had no way of paying. So, she called her father.
"Dad?"
"No, I can't help you"
The phone call ended as abruptly as it had began. Alone again, she opened TikTok and continued scrolling. Minutes turned to hours, the only reminder of her existence being the cool breeze from the fan that sat across from her as she laid in bed. Yet like everything else, the artificial wind from the fan seemed to fade, as she stared intensely into the eyes of a stranger putting on their makeup. In time, she was shocked out of her dissociative state by a notification. Swiping down, she saw that her bank account was in the negative by 3,000 dollars. Rent had come out, and she had no way of paying it, yet the bank graciously accepted the transaction regardless, choosing instead to send her deeper into overdraft. So, she called her dad again.
"Dad?"
"Paula, I can't help you. Not this time."
She was alone again. So, she reopened TikTok, and continued to scroll. Before long, the sun had vanished, and the moon hung heavy above her. The roof of her apartment seemed to fade, as the rose-red celestial stared down at her. The blood moon signaled death. As she drifted to sleep, she dreampt of her father.
As the light of the morning sun barely stretched past the horizon, Paula was woken up by a ring from her phone. It was her mom.
"Mom?"
All she heard was hysterics
"Your father's dead!!!"
She hung up the phone. She couldn't help her. Not this time.
She put her phone down. She would allocate emotional resources towards her father once she had woken up. Her father once again tormented her dreams.
At noon, she woke up fully, and began to cry. All she could think about was the last thing her father said to her, and how it mirrored her own feelings towards herself. She was long past help, and all that awaited her was the hope that she might see her dad again, so that she might apologize for the times she went to him for the help she could never receive. Every TikTok she saw reminded her of her dad, and with each reminder, she fell deeper into panicked sorrow. She looked out the window, and screamed out into the cloudless sky. The heat of the sun arrested her for a moment, and for that moment, she thought she might be okay. But as she heard her father's words repeat once again, she collapsed to the ground, and cried into her hands.
Paula hadn't cut in years, but felt herself slip back into old habits. She thought she was better than that, yet the deep rivulets of blood which then dripped from the gashes in her arm proved otherwise. The pain brought cool relief, but not for long. She had always cut across her wrist, but in that moment she resisted the urge to cut down it. The urge overpowered her every thought, and in the brief moment between thoughts, she slid the razor cleanly down her wrist, the deep cut like a miner who struck oil. The floor became slick with blood, as she felt her consciousness fade. The colors of the world fused like a chimera that roared to the stars; all of time and space merging into a singular point.
END
She was mistaken before when she believed it was too late for help, but now there was no other possibility. The mistake she thought would bring her to her father brought her to oblivion. In that way, she did join her father, but she would never know, as she could never feel awareness again. Her final act left her mother a widow without a daughter, and soon she would surely join her in oblivion, unable to bear the loss of all she had. Despite it all, Paula's bank account still read -3,460 dollars, the final vestige of the time she spent in the thoughtless arms of reality.