Its been a little bit since I last posted an actual life update. There's a lot to talk about, that all amounts to surprisingly little. Months have gone by since I updated this diary, I'm a year older, I have a degree, a job, a home. Even still, I feel isolated. I rewatched my favorite movie, a movie that I used to watch dozens of times a year because of my need to disect it, and understand the plethora of little elements that came together to form the larger whole, a fact which itself fed into the themes of the movie. I'm talking about Synecdoche, New York, which as a high schooler, I didn't truly understand. I focused so heavily on the details that built the whole, rather than truly understanding the sadness that the movie embodies. In high school, I was deeply suicidal, and felt my life had no meaning in itself. Instead, I dedicated my life to keeping a family member alive through their suicidality, and as a result I didn't let myself give into my suicidal tendancies as I didn't want to risk my family member's life ending because I ended my own. But now, I feel independent purpose through my career, education, and my partner, yet in having purpose, the impact of a story about the purposelessness of existence felt all the truer. I no longer pretended to understand because of my experience of purposelessness, but now truly understand due to my perception of purpose. Caden's life meant nothing, it ended with no one seeing his play, and everyone he knew and loved dead. He dies alone. I now have love, drive, and goals, goals which will lead to the same end as if I had decided to kill myself in high school. Sure, I will have experienced decades of life inbetween death, but that life is ultimately felt in isolation. No matter how many people I surround myself with, or the thoughts and ideas are consume, no one will be able to enter my mind and experience as I do. I can see someone replying that life is like a sandwich, birth and death are the bread that binds the part that truly matters together: the filling. Hoaky analogies asside, it is still true, as like a sandich eaten on one lunch of thousands that make up your life, you will forget about it, and no matter how amazing the filling was, it was just a sandwich. Nobody cares about us, nobody knows us, we are alone. I thought I would write a review of Synecdoche, New York; the one I have been wanting to write since I was 16 years old, but now I recognize the futility of this. There's no way I can accurately describe a movie that changes each time I watch it, and means something different each time as well. 2016 was 6 years ago, and 6 years ago Synecdoche, New York was a different movie to me than it is now, so I can presume that 6 years from now it will once again be different, and whatever I say about it in the here and now would be moot. So I'll just say what I'm feeling after watching it, which is all of this. Now I'll get to actually updating about my life.
like I stated earlier, I'm now working consistently as an therapist outside of an internship, and have a Bachelor's Degree officially. Other than that, I've been writing more, as all one of you has no doubt noticed, and I've been relatively happy (credit in large part to lexapro). Life isn't easy though. My health has been getting worse, despite my young age, medical expenses don't get cheaper, and worst of all my entire family has COVID. I don't have much to say beyond I'm afraid for them, and that fear takes control of my thoughts whenever I have a moment of quiet. I can't handle their deaths; I still cry regularly about my Uncle Travis, my Great Grandfather, my dog Chloe, and so many others who have died in my life. I don't know what I'd do if I lost everyone else. I can't handle thinking about that.
I'm tired, I think I'll take a nap. My work doesn't start up for another week, and my boss hasn't called me to fill in for any other therapists, so I don't have much to do except write, play video games, and wait for my boyfriend to come home so I don't feel so damn lonely. I hate being left alone with my thoughts, I always have. I could read, but the amount of books I need to get through has me too overwhelmed. I hope whoever reads this is happy, I really, truly do. All of you deserve happiness, and I know it can be tough sometimes. Life is short, and all that sadness and anxiety will only make it shorter. This isn't me saying "choose happiness" obviously you can't choose it, you either are or you are not. I just hope that you are. I love you, whoever you are. Take some time for you. We don't have much time.
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