Hey all, Zaz here! Its been quite the turbulent time in the life of lexi. As I'm sure you are all aware, I lost my grandfather in January, and that's been extremely challenging. He was like a father to me, and raised me alongside my actual parents and my grandma. I've missed him every day, and still cry every day, but life goes on. I've been working on a tribute to him in the background, and that should go up whenever I'm ready emotionally for it to be up. I hope that works to help provide a record of the man he was, and how much he set the stage for the life I've lived so far, acting as the base under which my values were built.
In unthinkably happy news, I am a home owner!!!!!!! Myself and my fiance just closed on a really great house in a nice area (which we got an amazing deal on for a number of reasons I won't go into in case it accidentally doxxes me). There's no universe that I am buying a home on my income alone, so I am incredibly thankful to have my fiance to allow for the level of stability that has afforded home buying. Beyond that, I am incredibly grateful of the position I'm in that I'm able to own a home, and live some approximation of the American dream that seemed previously unobtainable, and for many, is. We did have to live a little ways away from family and the city I gew up in in order to find a home in our budget that is nice, but the commute to work and school (about an hour in both cases) is well worth it to be living a dream I truly never thought I'd be living. I wish that my grandpa was alive to see it, he'd be so proud of me, I know it. I can hear his voice, and imagine the jokes he'd make, like "Oh I'd love to come and visit, but the doctor's say I'm demented, so I'm not allowed to drive anymore", said in his classic dead-pan delivery. Near the end, he didn't talk as much, but the last thing he said to me was he loved me, which meant so much to me. He had dementia, but it was a stroke that ultimately got him. He would have loved it, and I know he would be so happy.
This all ties back into a thought I've been arriving to a lot lately, and that is thinking of my uncle who died from alcohol withdrawals when I was 18. My fiance just barely missed meeting him, and that is weird to think about. My uncle was such an important part of my childhood, and we were so close, its strange to think that the most important person to me presently, my fiance, has never heard my uncle's voice, since he died a year before me and my fiance started dating. I also think my uncle would have been proud of me for the house, and would have loved it. He probably would have said "its great Hon, the bathroom on the bottom floor is good for [dad's name], he's scared of stairs." then he'd laugh in the sort of gutteral, almost honking laugh that he had. If anyone has seen the movie Lord of Dog town, my uncle sounded just like Skip in terms of actual sound, but with a thick Baltimore accent. I emphasize his voice because he had one of the most distinctive voices I've thus far heard, and short of Skip from Lords of Dog Town, I've never heard someone who sounded quite like him. My grandpa also had an idiosyncratic voice, with him having a New York accent, although it was a more stereotypical new york accent. I know they'd both be so proud of me.
I know this post has been fairly rambly, but that's kind of where I've been at lately. Holding it together through the worst grief of my life all the while so many amazing things have been happening in my personal life that gives a degree of complexity to the relation I have with life.
All told, I'm happy to be alive if for no other reason than to carry on the legacy of my grandfather and my uncle, and live as they would if they were still with us. I miss them, and I wish I could show them my house, all the while knowing just how lucky I am to be in the position I'm in as a new home owner. Life is good, but life is painful.