Very long time no update! Sorry for that, as I have said many times in the past, its difficult for me to talk about myself directly. Obviously, a lot of me ends up in my writing, so in that sense I am writing about myself, but if I am directly addressing the fact that its about me, I feel uncomfortable. But this whole thing is supposed to be an excercise in me getting better at that, so here I am once again. In the time since I updated the diary section, a great many things have happened, both amazing, and terrible.
In respect to the amazing: I got engaged to my boyfriend!!!!! It was the best day of my life so far, we went to the university we both went to, went into a nature preseve area by a waterfall, and he asked the question and I cried very hard. After that we got breakfast at double t diner, and went to first his mom's, then my parents, and then finally my grandparents to tell them. It was so amazing, and even thinking about it makes me want to start crying happily. In general, me and my fiance have been great, and I've been so happy with him and the life we're building. We've been dating for almost 7 years now, so its not a surprise that things are great, but I really couldn't ask for a better partner.
In respect to terrible: my health has been on the decline lately. I got diagnosed with a stomach condition that causes random extreme pain, and the only cure is extremely risky and intensive surgery that I am not willing to go through for something that won't kill me, so its just another chronic condition that causes me extreme pain. What's new? (context: I have a few chronic conditions that cause extreme pain, all linked back to me having nerve problems). My nerve problems in general have gotten worse lately, and I am barely keeping together with how extreme my pain has gotten. I can barely keep up with my work, let alone chores, and daily expectations, and because I don't look like I'm in pain because of my autism face (I have a very blank expression, even when experiencing strong emotions and pain), people assume I should be able to handle things I just can't. The increase in pain has also made my depression worse, since its hard not to feel like shit about myself when I'm struggling to get by physically.
The year itself has been a mixed bag. Obviously the world has gone to hell and back, and my health has been taking a nose dive, but my personal life has been great. Obviously I got engaged, but also because the dude I am getting engaged to is well-to-do, we are actually gonna be able to buy a house soon (aiming for next year) which is something I could never afford with my income alone. I feel bad that I won't be contributing more to the house buying financially, but I am barely middle class on my own, and are couldn't even afford to live in the area I live in with my income on its own, so it is what it is. I think I will remember 2025 fondly ultimately, since the feeling of getting engaged outways the fear of how far right the world has gotten. Maybe that makes me a bad person, or an idiot, but as a bad person who is an idiot, I am unaware of both of those traits.
Today has been rough in general. My pain has been awful, and I am horribly burnt out. My fiance got major surgery, and has been in recovery, so I've been taking care of him, which has been putting me beyond capacity every single day, and now we are at his dad's house for christmas eve, and I keep having autism moments with his neurotypical family and I hate it. I feel so stupid, and I keep accidentally causing conflict when I don't mean to. Like, I was trying to help fix a java dependency error on fiance's dad's computer, since I have tons of experience with linux and my brother-in-law dosen't (brother-in-law wanted to get a modpack installed on fiance's dad's computer which is running ubuntu). When I was explaining dependency error stuff, my other brother-in-law got mad at me saying I didn't understand what was happening, saying that the modpack not being installed was the problem, and I feel like I might just be an idiot. Like, the error minecraft got was a dependency error for java, which I thought meant that it couldn't see java or java wasn't installed thus making a dependency error, but the other brother-in-law said that it was the modpack itself that wasn't installed therefore causing the dependency error. The reason that I believed that it was the java 21 itself is because the error said that java 21 wasn't installed, rather than mentioning any modpack. That being said, I generally assume other people know better than me, so I figure I am probably just stupid or not thinking of something. It turned out I was right, so maybe I should have figured that I know more about linux than someone who has never used linux before, lol.
anyway, I have been very depressed lately, with a spike in suicidal thoughts, and a desire to self-harm. I feel so useless socially, I can't interface with people almost at all, and I hate it. I'm burnt out and tired. Although the highs of this year have been higher than my lows, I am very much ending the year on a low it seems like. I just hate myself a lot of the time, including now.
I had to stop writing this because I got busy, and then had to invite some family over for a holiday party. It was nice, I was glad to see everyone and get everyone presents. I am doing much better now that I am in bed and relaxing with my fiance. It was a very stressful day and I had a lot of problems fighting my depressive tendencies, but ultimately today was worth it to see everyone. I will likely post a new years update either on or around new years itself. Much love from your friendly neighborhood Zaz <3