Hey guys. Not doing so well today. I kinda fucked my whole morning by being a dumbass, and I'm extremely sick of my shit. Basically, I forgot my headphones inside the house when I was already running a little late to work, so I walk to the door and just start slamming on it until my boyfriend answers (as if my keys weren't literally in my hand), and then I get back in the car and realize I left my phone, and then go back to the door and continue to slam on it, continuing to just be too stupid to notice that my keys WERE IN MY HAND. Boyfriend answers finally, is pissed that I was knocking so loudly. He ultimately apologizes for being pissed, I apologize for being the dumbest person alive, and now I am wanting to be dead. I'm having lots of suicidal thoughts, which I promised my boyfriend wouldn't turn into action, but I just hate myself to such an extreme degree. I don't even know why I'm telling you all this, I guess to be as truthful to myself as possible. I feel like there's no point in having a blog if you aren't portraying yourself truthfully, and truthfully, I am the biggest dumbass I know. Exceptionally stupid. I mean, MY.KEYS.WERE.IN.MY.HANDS. Like, what is wrong with me??? Ugh, I just hate myself so much.
Anyway, all of you are amazing and beautiful, and I love y'all. Be safe out there.
ADDENDUM:day was pretty exhausting, very much a chronic pain day, but the depressive symptoms went down throughout the day. Now my work is forcing me to be in the room while my boss shows everyone how to do exercises, and I actually am so fucking done with this shit. Like, what??? Why do I have to be here??? I hate this team building bullshit. Nevermind, literally as I was writing this my coworkers were talking too much I guess, and my boss kicked us out. Fine by me, I didn't wanna be there anyway lmao. Pro-tip: don't pressure a chronically ill person into doing a bunch of exercises without any prep time, specifically exercises that are designed for people who aren't in horrible pain. Thanks! Anyway, I'm fine, not so depressed now, just frustrated and exhausted.